Lately, I've spent a lot of time thinking about memories, remembering things and events, people, faces, colors, smells, impressions, all of what was once so important to me. after his death there are so many things - 8 (9?) years is a long time - so many memories that I just don't know where to start, what to start, how and why. I have the letters, and I have pictures, I have so much yet so little. things, memories, impressions, they will never substitute a living, breathing friend.

it's hard not to cry when you realize all that love that is around you. I have his photo on my desk, I sometimes get asked if he is my boyfriend, and the photo, it still brings me to tears.

so much love.

and now, now I'm mending my life back together, one piece at a time.

all shall pass, we ought to know that by now, but till then.. well, it's a mess till then. I'm a mess. and unfortunately, healing is not an active process, it's a process where you are simply waiting, filling your days with something else, constantly distracting yourself and not letting yourself to get even more hurt, even more cut to pieces. mend, not break. heal, not hurt. let time work wonders, and just relax. they say it all shall pass.

the world is such a lonely place, after all.