I've reached the lowest point of my life. It's funny - not like a joke funny, but funny if you distance yourself from it - that he would have such a strong hold on me even now, even after all this time. A lot has changed since his death, period. Especially the way I see my body and all bodies in general. The body, it seems, is so fragile, so easy to destroy. The body you - or I - live in, the body we all have to trust is a fragile entity. Sometimes, it is not even an entity as such, it's just a combination of various functioning parts. It's a whole of different parts that don't always click together. The body, this vehicle you use to carry your precious self on is not to be trusted. After all, you can always happen to fall, there are so many invisible threats waiting to attack this body of yours, or people who would like to harm you, it might be one of those days when you forget to take your important medication, there are so many things that can simply go wrong. You can never allow yourself to forget that your body can fail. As did his. Maybe because we were so close - two souls always counting on each other, yet always being so distant from each other - maybe that's why his death has left me so confused, so lost. I'm afraid, with no identity, and just absent. Like a huge wave passing over my head, and the last final signpost that is still out there is his grave.

My dear, dear, darling boy, I miss you so much.