every once in a while my world collapses on me. falls into me, my chest and all I can do is to carry it around with me hoping that somehow sometime it will get itself together again. my days consist of breaking apart and getting together again, and I can only sit and wonder while trying to keep hold of life outside myself, of this so-called objectivity outside me, of calendars and time and the way days go by. they keep repeating that one should live one day at the same time. I say hell with that, most often you can't keep track of even one minute of being here and now. honestly, I don't have the slightest hint about how to live right. I'm not really sure that there is anything right or wrong, but I do know that you can't mess with your consciousness because it's really not worth it. in the end you've fucked only yourself, not your parents, your God, your friends or whoever you wanted to impress. I guess there are many ways how you can learn. I have a feeling that my way of learning is deduction - I have no idea what's right but I have some beliefs about what is wrong. I just wish I could find out the truth through some easier way but on the other hand that would destroy the only joy I can still really feel - the joy of making my own mistakes and destroying my own little world.